Randall Munson Presents
Actual Jungle Cruise Jokes
Excerpt from Randall's Personal Humor File

In the Queue Area

Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control...the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening...Thank you.

Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on the left. If you'd like to keep your family together, please stay in the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you'd like to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you'll never see them again.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00/$100.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile...we have good news for you. We have found your rubber band.

To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders--the men who will be helping you into the boats--how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party..." and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party..." and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One...Two...Three. There--those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise. Those of you who are waiting in line are probably resigned to the fact that there is a long wait. Well, we here at the Jungle Cruise aim to please. So, if you'd like to see the line move faster, please raise your hand. Once again, please raise your hand if you'd like to see the line move faster. (crowd raises hands) Okay, those of you who have your hands raised, please take one step to the right and let the people behind you through. Now you'll definitely see the line move faster.

There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won't move, simply run in place.

Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting...veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.

Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they've spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that's ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.

We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they're pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can't trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin' (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four minus four is, and he said nothing.

It's a four hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?

Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you'll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don't go bananas.

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise Please do not take pictures while you are in the queue. Once again please do not take pictures while you are in the queue; They are nailed to the walls for a reason.

Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to remind you that cutting in line will not be tolerated here at the World Famous Jungle Cruise. That's right...there is to be no cutting in line. Anyone caught with scissors will be ejected from the queue.

Other Jokes You May Hear in Queue (but not queue related)

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eckiphino. Well, that's not really what you get, but you must understand, this is a family attraction.

Why did the elephant ride on the Jungle Cruise? Frankly, I don't know, but I wish someone would find out--he's sunk five of our boats in the last week alone.

Why did the ape get a job? He was tired of monkeying around. Why did the elephant quit his job? He was tired of working for peanuts.

Knock, Knock...Who's there?...Toucan....Toucan Who?...Toucan not fit through the turnstiles at the same time.

Knock, Knock...Who's there?...Safari....Safari Who?...Safari, so good. You'll be on the Jungle Cruise in just a few minutes.

Boarding the Boat

That cushion in that back of the boat is actually a whoopee cushion. Don't believe me, go ahead sit down. [People sit, Skipper makes farting sound over PA.] How embarrassing and in front of people you don't even know.

[To the boat loader] So how does that new vacuum of your work? [Boat loader:] It sucks!

Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you're entering from the back, come up to the front. If you're in the front, just follow the simple instructions of your simple minded loader.

[Female skipper] Get on board folks...though I'm worst nightmare. A woman with a loaded gun.

Please listen to the boat loaders. They used to work in a sardine factory until they got canned. They didn't mind too much though; They worked for scale.

Come all the way to the front--up by me. There's no truth to the rumor that you get a longer ride in back.

Slide all the way forward now...That's the only way we have of keeping the cushions clean!

Come on in, folks...Slide on down! That's right slide on down, because the more you slide now, the less I have to clean later.

Some of you might want to come up and sit on our sacrificial altar [pointing to the center cushion]. We like to balance out the boat so when we sink, we go down evenly.

Please move in together as close as possible and try to cover up all of the brown seat cushions. There have been extensive scientific studies that have proven that the color brown attracts deadly flying piranhas. [Using color of boat for brown.]

Please remember that the tighter you get, the better the heating system on the boat works.

[As people load in the back] There's no dancing in the back there, folks...no dancing... you will have to be seated. Dancing is only allowed on the promenade deck.

If you could just sit in the doorway there--it keeps the wild animals out and the chickens and turkeys in.

I get paid for the number of people I take out...not the number I bring back!

Don't worry if it's crowded now...there'll be lots of room on the way back.

How many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good! So am I.

Let's get one thing straight...if we start to sink, the captain will be going down with the boat. I'd like you to meet your new captain [looking at nearby guest]...What did you say your name was?

Those of you sitting in the back are going to get a charge out of this trip. Yeah--you're sitting on the battery. Some people find that revolting, but I think that there is a positive and negative side to everything. Shocking, isn't it.

Come on to the front kids...You know I love kids...a little BBQ sauce, mustard, and catsup always helps though.

Look! Little kids! I love kids! A little mustard, a little barbecue sauce...[chuckles at parents] Oh I'm just kidding, I don't like mustard all that much.

Welcome to, the mystery boat, the mystery boat, the mystery boat. Welcome to, the mystery boat. It's a mystery it's, still afloat. [followed by a little song which I can't recall]. I am Maynard, your captain, guide, etc, for your journey. Just remember, the month of May followed by a nerd. I will need a volunteer to help me steer the boat, someone between the ages of 4 and 7. Ahh, thank you.

Leaving the dock

Were out of here, like a bad LA football team.

Welcome aboard the Leaki Tiki. Adventure lovers, my name is name and I'll be your captain--unless we run into trouble--in which case your new captain will be taking over. [looking at nearby guest]...What did you say your name was?

Hello, everyone. I'd like to welcome you aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise. My name is name and I'll be your skipper for as far as we get.

Hello and welcome to the world famous Jungle Cruise. My name is name and I'll be your skipper, guide, captain, cruise director and dance instructor for the next five exciting days and six romantic nights.

Where are you from sir/madam? [Guest answers] Sorry? [Guest repeats] Oh--I heard you the first time, I was just sorry.

Everybody turn around and wave at the people on the dock...wave at them... 'cause you're never going to see them again!...then again, you've probably never seen them before either.

Now, let's everyone turn around and wave good-bye to those people on the dock we've left behind. [In low voice] Come on folks...pretend like you're having a good time.

OK...before we go much further, everyone raise your right hand and repeat after me. "I hope....we do return". Good! Better turn and take one last look at the dock--you may never see it again!

You know they saw you can always judge the quality of a ride by itıs line, well how long did you folks wait? My point exactly. [Good at night with short lines]

Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I'm you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! Of course you could always swim away!!!

Hornbill Cross

And for your serious bird watchers, over there is a hornbill. Looks like he's really gone out on a limb this time. If he's not careful, he's going to wind up a snack for those crocodiles.

And for all you serious bird watchers, over there is a serious hornbill, in serious trouble. If he's not careful, he's going to wind up a tasty lunch for those crocodiles! Seriously.

Over there is a rare species of hornbill...about to become a little more rare.

Old Smiley

On the other side is my favorite jungle resident, Old Smiley, one of the laziest crocodiles in these parts. I do suggest that you keep your hands inside the boat because Smiley is always looking for a hand out.

And on the other side is Old Smiley. Did you know that crocodiles have remained basically unchanged for the last 20 million years? It's true! And that's just about how long Smiley's been on this river. He doesn't get around much anymore. Usually, he just sort of sits around, waiting for our boats and looking for a hand out.

[Turning to a guest] Would you mind sticking your hand out as a demonstration?

Rain Forest

As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests, where it rains some 365 days a year.

We're now leaving the last outpost of civilization and entering the jungle by way of the Irrawaddy river of Burma.

Feel that mist on your faces...Don't worry that's only the monkeys in the trees.

Feel that mist on your faces...Don't worry that's only poisonous bacteria that will eat you all alive.

Do feel that wetness in the air around here? Well that's the only evidence we have that are still some monkeys in the trees of the Jungle Cruise.

Here in the rain forest it sometimes rains 365 days per year...some years it even rains every day.

As you can see, countless varieties of plant life grow in abundance here. In fact, we've counted more than 100 varieties of rare bromeliads in this area. Many of these tropical plants get their nourishment simply from the air.

Now please watch out for these carnivorous vines [pointing]. Last week, one of them reached into the back of the boat and pulled a woman right out. It was awful! And just before she disappeared, she was feeling just vine...[Pointing] In fact she was sitting right where that lady/man/girl/boy in color is sitting!

Indiana Jones Ride

Look here we have a bunch a very strange jungle species, ya see that one there [pointing to a male] the one with the wider hips--that's the female of the species.

Look here we have a bunch of Asian albino hairless apes. Ya watch [waves to people, they wave back] monkey see, monkey do.

Over there is what we call the Indiana Jones Adventure and the Temple of the Four Hour/Forever Line.

Over there is the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. You can see all of the archeologists in line, cleverly disguised as tourists.

Over there is the world's most popular bathroom. You can tell how popular it is by all of the people in line for it. Let's ask these folks coming out what they thought of it...How was it?

[When people are along the shore]
Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?

Over there we have hungry natives foraging for food. This is because they've been turned away from Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Baloney Sandwich.

Ancient Shrine

These are the ruins of an ancient shrine, almost totally destroyed centuries ago by an earthquake. Many explorers have tried to steal that priceless ruby, but no one's ever gotten past that poisonous spider.

How many of you think that's a big spider? [show of hands] How many of you think he's bigger than the one crawling up that man's/woman's leg [quickly pointing to guest]?

[Turns off lights, kills motor] Oh no, not again!

[Unapproved joke] [Pointing to pillars] This was the Walt Disney Company's first attempt at a monorail system.

Sunken City

Through this archway, we enter the remains of the sunken city, now almost totally reclaimed by the jungle.

Bengal Tiger

Has anyone seen my kitty cat? Here kitty, kitty...oh! There he is!

[In low voice] That's no house cat over there. Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet, and we must be at least, well...19 feet away!

A Bengal Tiger can leap twenty feet! Fortunately we're ten feet away and he would go over us and land in the bushes on the other side.

The Bengal Tiger can jump over ten thousand feet...once.

Look at that! It's a large Bengal Tiger. Now, Bengal Tigers are known to leap over FIVE THOUSAND feet in order to catch their prey. That is...when you throw them out of an airplane.

That Bengal Tiger over there weighs about 500 pounds. He's looking right at you sir/ma'am--better keep smiling.

That Bengal Tiger can jump up to 35,000 feet...out of a plane that is.

The crocodiles

See those crocodiles over there. We have trained them to stay perfectly still so you can take better pictures.

And here we have some killer crocodiles. Don't worry though, they've been bolted/super glued to the rocks for their/your protection.

Do you know what the difference between the crocodiles and alligators are? The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.

You know, the crocs are always looking for a hand out. Ya, but be careful, I once had an English teacher on board and she didn't listen to me and now she's teaching shorthand.

The crocodiles when ducks are sleeping on them

And look, over here we have some terrifying killer ducks. You can tell how much they've frightened that crocodile below them because he's scared stiff.

The crocodile is a terrifyingly ferocious animal, and also provides a comfortable place to sleep.

Three Cobras

[In low voice] Don't make any sudden moves! Those king cobras are the world's largest poisonous snakes... and they go out for a bite every few minutes!

Up on the steps...three king cobras. Hmm...there use to be four of them--I wonder where the other one is? [Look around boat interior]

And here we have three cobras stickingtheir tongues out at us with no regards for our feelings.

Elephant God

On our left is Ganesha, the elephant god, who guards the entrance of the sacred bathing pool of the elephants.

On our left, Ganesha, the elephant god, holding his nose and on our right, Wiki Wiki, his brass monkey side kick.

Elephant Pool

Look here it's the republican national convention. You can take pictures because they all have their trunks on. And if you look over there under the waterfall, it's Bob Dole. Oh by the way, if you want to see the Democrats, they're back at the Hunchback of Notre Dame Festival of Fools.

And it looks like a whole herd has come down to bathe! Don't scare them now...of course, the big shot gets the private shower...but I kind of like the little squirts myself.

And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead--all the elephants have their trunks on.

And just ahead, you'll notice an alligator playing with an elephant. That's not a sight you'll see every day! [lower voice] But I will...over...and over...and over...

See that elephant right there, that's the richest elephant in the whole jungle. Yeah--it's "Donald Trunk".

Squirting Elephant

As we leave the elephant pool, we head into...uh-oh--a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he's aiming for us! [Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up] Oh no! He's coming up again--you folks on the right get down! [Elephant doesn't squirt] Well...I guess he didn't have time to reload. [or] Well I guess he didn't have enough trunk space.

OK, we're leaving the elephants now and pressing further into the...Wait a second, it looks like one of the larger elephants did not want to be disturbed. He's coming up again...you folks in the back get down! [After elephant does not squirt] You in the middle/back--that was very clever hiding behind the little child.

Oh no! What's this? I'll hurry up and go through. It looks like were not going to make it. Those in the back may want to duck. [after passing] You guys didn't move; you must have been frozen with fear.

Safari Outpost

You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm....that could be one up ahead. [Points] Uh-oh...this one has some uninvited house guests! They do have a unique way of washing the dishes. [Points to water] Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job parking that jeep! But I guess monkeying around comes naturally to 'em.

Nothing to be concerned about. Just a bunch of gorillas having a good time. I wouldn't get too close, though. They may look like a nice bunch, but let me tell you--those guys are really animals.

Now please, if you're wearing yellow, don't make any noises like a banana...it drives them ape!

Ah, that explains things! It looks like that safari has some uninvited house guests! [pause] [Yelling to gorillas] Hey! Where'd you guys learns to parallel park anyway? [Back to guests] Ah, they're not listening. I guess they're too busy monkeying around.

And now we come upon a jungle encampment. It's being overrun by a bunch of women wearing fur coats. [Pause] Hey! Those are gorillas! [pause] dressed up as women wearing fur coats.

Folks, this is what happens when you leave your kids at home alone.

Earlier these guys were having a tough time starting that jeep, but I can see that they've finally gotten it to turn over.

And one of them is trying to have a mind blowing experience...If he's not too careful, he'll have a real splitting headache.

Plants

Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There's one, there's one... [Point left, point rear left, point right, etc]

I'd like to point out some of the plant life here on the Jungle Cruise. There's a hibiscus, a low-biscus, and that little one barking is a doggie biscus. Say, there's the Anheiser Bush, it looks ready to bud.

Anybody know the names of those? Anybody? Oh well.

See that bamboo over there? It grows to be 6 stories tall, but people say it can grow to 7 stories but that's a whole other story.

Gorilla & Crocodile

Now there's a croc with a snappy personality! Ha--he's going to get himself a knuckle sandwich if he's not careful.

Well, will you look at that--some of the camp's food made it downstream. But I don't think it's going to waste.

Look there! That's something you don't see every day, but I do.. every day, every 15 minutes.

At Schweitzer Falls

Over there is Schweitzer Falls, named after the famous Dr. Albert [pause] Falls.

Lean in the middle, lean in the middle, if you lean in the middle, we'll all sink evenly!

Say what you will about women drivers, but --heh --I've never been good at making this turn. HANG ON!!!
[Rebecca then literally throws herself out of the boat, grabbing onto a pole and using the momentum to "pull" the boat around the corner.]

[Not necessarily approved] Don't worry about the waterfall; it won't get you wet. The water in the falls, like everything else at Disneyland, is completely synthetic.

To the left is the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over here to your right....and then back to your left, you can have a second look at Schweitzer Falls.

Nile River

We've turned on to the Nile river of Africa, the longest river in the world, winding across more than 4000 miles.

We've now turned down the Nile river--the longest river in all of Anaheim. That's right a whole 200 feet.

[after intro] and if you don't believe that, you must be in denial.

Bull Elephants

Up on the Elephants bank, we have African bull elephants. Those enormous ears and great tusks distinguish them from the Indian elephants we saw earlier.

On the left we have an African Bull Elephant. And for those of you with short term memory problems, on the right we have an African Bull Elephant.

On the left bank there-it's a huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull, the second most feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in the jungle--his wife/mother-in-law.

On the right bank, we have Bertha. She's a great elephant, as she obeys commands:

"Speak!" [elephant makes a little trumpet]
"You can do louder than that!" [elephant makes a load trumpet]
"Ok, we'd like to some pictures, so stand perfectly still." [elephant stands perfectly still]

[At night] Look there, that's Skippy/Speedy/Dumbo, the fastest elephant in the jungle watch [lights first elephant then flashes it to the elephant on the right] Pretty amazing huh?

African Veldt

[Sniffs as we approach the African velt] Hmm, something smells stinky? [Turns to kid steering the boat] Is it you? Do you use deodorant? You don't? Oh [sniffs again] Wait a minute, it's not you. In fact you smell pretty good. Like Channel number 5. Ahh, there's the culprit. Hey you baboon, put your arms down.

Ok everyone, here are the Monkeys, wave to the Monkeys... [silence] Ah, well, you see, they would wave back, but their hands are glued to the rocks.

Look at that family of baboons; There's Pat Baboon, Debbie Baboon, Daniel Baboon, and the hair stylist Vidal Baboon.

And over here we have the Baboon family. There's Pat Baboon, Debbie Baboon, their hairdresser Vidal Baboon, and, uh, oops, that's not a baboon, that's my ex-girlfriend. Yes, I left her for my new girlfriend who can leap over 20 feet and weighs over 500 pounds.

How do you tell the difference between the male and female Zebras. The males have black and white stripes and the females have white and black stripes.

And over here we have some referees.

[Pointing] By the look of those baboons up there, something's up on the great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that pride of lions has made a kill, and the clean-up crew, those hungry vultures, are waiting for their share. This region points out the basic law of the jungle--"don't be a zebra."

Oh, it looks like the entire baboon family has come down to the water's edge today, along with the other residents of the African veldt. See the striped animals over there? Those are zebras. And the big tall ones with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the black ones over here with horns--well, I've never seen them before. They must be gnu!

We're about to enter the Africa veldt, an immense grassland home to an endless variety of wildlife--baboons, wildebeests, giraffes, gazelles, gnus, g-lions, g-zebras. [hard g-sounds]

Here's a little advice. Never play poker in the jungle, because there are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they're not a cheetah, then they're probably just a lion.

[At the African Veldt] "Ohhh, don't worry kids. See, those lions are only protecting that sleeping Zebra. Look! It's Simba and Nala from The Lion King! [Singing] Can You Feel The Love Tonight"
[Rebecca]

Trapped Safari (Rhino)

Hey I know that guy on the bottom, his names Juan. Ya, and it looks like that rino is going to get a hole in Juan.

There's that lost safari we've been looking for. Obviously mixed up in some kind of native uprising.

Well, bottoms up, fellows, I'm sure you'll get the point...in the end!

Uh-oh...look! That safari's in a tight spot there. But that rhino seems more than willing to give them a lift.

That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I'm sure that guy on the bottom will get it in the end!

Of course, it could be worse for those guys...they could be the Zebra.

Well--you know what they say...safari, so good. So I guess we'll be moving on.

Hippo Pool

We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit still and don't rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious and could easily upset our boat. So please, don't do anything that might attract them!

Last week, they overturned six of our boats...only FIVE of them were MINE, though!.

Don't worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles....

How many of you are willing to go on? [show of hands] How many of you want to turn back? How many of you are apathetic about the situations?

Uh-oh...it looks like one of them's going to try to charge our boat! [shoots] Looks like we've scared them off. I bet he'll have a headache tomorrow!

Uh-oh, I guess it looks like one of them is going to try to tip us over. I'd better scare 'em away. [shoots] Well, it looks like that did the trick. You could tell that they were scared by all of the blank looks on their faces.

If we're all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for their mothers. [Low voice] Shhh--be real quite now...listen ....[leaning out of boat, yells] "Hey mom!"

Look! Rare, beautiful, majestic hippos! Endangered species, less than 300 left in the wild. I think I'll shoot me a couple. [bang, bang]

We just took our hippos to see Dumbo, and if they weren't chained to the bottom of the river they'd all fly away. [think about the wiggling ears on the hippos]

You've all probably heard that the hippos are only dangerous when wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles...but that's not what really makes them dangerous. See it's actually the ritual they have of placing their young in the trees to forge on leaves until the grow to 6,000 pounds, then they cannon ball toward the boats, sinking them all 2 and 1/2 feet down to the bottom of the jungle floor. Oh look there's one now [skipper shoots toward the trees]

At the hippo pool when the gun doesn't fire

"Bang! Bang!" [Hippo retreats] "Boy are they dumb."

"Bang! Bang!" [Hippo retreats] "Whew! That was close!"

[click click click--hippo reatreats] "that cliking noise really scares them."

Disney has gone bankrupt, and we can't afford bullets anymore.

Headhunter territory

[After firing the gun at the hippo pool] You might be wondering why I was shooting into the trees, but if you look very carefully, you can see a hippo playing hide-and-seek in trees. He's hiding behind some banana leaves. Those hippos often jump out of the trees and sink passing boats. Here you can see what happened to the people on the last boat which sank. [points to the canoe with the stacked skulls] As you can tell, they all had a good time, since they still have smiles on their faces.

Uh oh, we're now entering into headhunter territory. Not a good place to be headed.

We're entering headhunter country now...be very quiet. In that canoe over there...the remains of my last crew. They had a good time, even to the end--they're still smiling.

Shhh...we're entering headhunter country now...don't make a sound. In that canoe over there are some of the native's arts and crafts. Art's the one on the top!

We're not out of danger yet--this is headhunter territory. Remove your jewelry please. The natives have been complaining of indigestion.

Native Village

The natives seem to be celebrating the kill of that lion...maybe we can sneak by. Don't attract their attention.

I studied their language in college. Lets see if I can pick up a little: Put your right foot in, shake it all about, Put your right foot out, shake it all about.

Hey look! It's the Village People! Let's see what they're saying... Y-M-C-A

This group is trying to come up with a name for themselves for their upcoming CD, they have two choices, either the Village People or Fine Young Cannibals.

[As the Tribal Villagers are celebrating their kill of the lion] I think that lion is dead. Do you know how I can tell? Lions don't normally stand upside down.
[Rebecca]

At the native attack

[At the village] Allow me to translate what they are saying. "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out [starts singing] You do the Hokey Pokey and you" [natives start to attack] Uh oh! Music critics! They can get pretty viscous. Here! [puts hat on the kid steering the boat] Act like you're singing [starts singing and waving hat] "La la la la la!"

Keep your eyes on these bushes on the right there. [Turns around quickly] They're on the LEFT this time.

Uh-oh, it looks like a native war party on the left. You folks, please get down on the floor. [Makes whooshing sound into mike] Ah, those are spears by the way.

Women and children--stand up! All the men--get down!

Uh oh, it looks like these natives are going to attack us. Kids, Women...you better lie down. Men..Stand up!"
[Rebecca, other female skippers have used this too]

Oh no! The natives are throwing spears! Women and children, stand up! Men, get on the bottom of the boat! Get down in the boat, get down in the boat, come on you're making me look stupid up here!

If they hit you with a spear, just pull it out and throw it back at them-you're not allowed to keep souvenirs. We certainly don't want you to be stuck with it for the rest of the trip.

On the left, a friendly group of native traders. Ukka Mucka Lucka...Ubonga Swahili Ungawa...Wagga Kuna Nui Ka...It's a good thing I speak their language. [Turns to guest] They want to trade their coconuts for your wife/child/husband...I think we should hold out for at least four.

Okay ladies and gentlemen the native usually attack from the right hand side of the boat. [Natives attack] Wait one minute here!!! What are you guys doing on the left side of the boat??? You know I told you to attack from the right and another thing what are you doing just standing looking stupid with those spears in your hand your supposed to throw them! Get back down and try that one again! [Timing is right so the natives go back down on skippers command]

Hey guys, I said throw the spears! Next time you better do it, OK? Now get down in the bushes and hide again... I'll be back later! [Attackers crouch down]

Going behind the falls

Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before...there it is--the backside of water!

Now kids, don't try to see this at home, as you'll hit the back of your head on the fawcet.

Now hold onto your seat cushions because we're about to do something really special--no extra charge. Are you ready? We're now going UNDER water!

And now,
the reason you came;
the most spectacular site you'll see all day.
ladies and gentlemen,
a true wonder of the world!
a splendiferous sight of epic proportions!
a once in a lifetime opportunity!
ladies and gentlemen!
today's the day,
never again!
never before!
ladies and gentlemen!
get your cameras up!
get your children up!
because you won't see this anywhere else in the world today!
ladies and gentlemen,
I give you,
without further ado,
the much heralded!
the much anticipated!
the much awaited!
the much sought after!
the much talked about!
the much ballyhooed!
the pinacle of sight and sound that's unparalelled and unprecedented by anything else in the world today!
ladies and gentlemen!
I give you,
the pinacle of your Disneyland experience!
the crescendo of your Disneyland day!
ladies and gentlemen,
a sight that's unrivalled by anything else in the world today!
ladies and gentlemen,
you've searched the ends of the earth!
the corners of the globe!
the edges of the universe!
ladies and gentlemen,
the sole reason you came to Disneyland!
it's amazing!
incredible!
astounding!
fascinating!
ladies and gentlemen,
the highlight of the cruise!
ladies and gentlemen,
the sight that you'll be telling your grandchildren about for generations!
ladies and gentlemen,
the backside of water!

[afterwards]
That was some sight.
It almost leaves me speechless.

At night going behind the falls

Ladies and gentlemen, Walt Disney proudly presents, Fantasmic! [The guide sings part of the song while shining his flashlight on the back of the water and at the ends says in a squeaky voice:] Some imagination, huh hehee!

Folks we have reached my favorite part of the ride. That's because Disneyland has to spend $75,000 to put this on. [Skipper flashes lights on boat and starts humming to the tune of Fantasmic!]

Toucans

[At the falls] Ok, now we need to go back the way we came! No, go to the left! See, those two toucans are shaking their heads telling us that we're going the wrong way.

On that old stump there are spectacular toucans, some of the most colorful birds in the jungle.

Toucan do much better than one can.

Over on the right you can see a branch with two toucans. And, of course, three toucans make a six-pack.

Rapids of Kilimanjaro

Uh-oh, up ahead--the treacherous rapids of Kilimanjaro. Very sharp and dangerous rocks through here...notice the huge waves crashing against our hull. [Makes crashing wave sounds in mike]

Ho hum...here we are at the famous rapids of Kilimanjaro. We'll probably have to shoot them. [Leans over and shoots rapids with thumb and index finger.]

[Steering wheel back and forth] Notice the skill and finesse your skipper uses to guide the boat through safely. Those of you who wish to take pictures, feel free. [Skipper then turns around towards the guests and poses] Oops! I'd better get back to steering the boat. [quickly turns around]

If we start sinking, we'll have to lighten our load. [Turns to guest] You folks over there want to get your belongings together? You may be leaving us shortly.

Hang on...we're coming across some white water here. One of those jagged rocks could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If we start to go down, just grab for the bright red seat cushions. [color not on boat] They're the only ones that float.

We're now entering the incredibly dangerous white water rapids of Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like those safety bars of the person next to you because we're going to be bouncing up and down a lot! [jumps up and down, side to side] Whew! Did you feel the sheer power of that?

On the right here are some fascinating rock formations. Really interesting. It's sad though. I come through here all the time, point these out to people, but they just take them for granite.

See that rock right there, it's actually made of limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite.

Now we're in the dangerous rapids of Kilomanjaro. And in the the water, there's dangerous pointy things which can sink the boat. that would be bad, because there on the right hand side, is bubbling, deadly man-eating piranha. Even worse, on the other side of the boat, deadly woman-eating piranha.

Python/Water Buffaloes

Hey look there, what kind of snake is that? [People answer with the names of kinds of snake] No, it a plastic snake.

Python's are one of the less intelligent animals in the jungle. If they were smart do you think that he would be hugging that dead tree stump when food is all around him.

Uh-oh...Look ahead there! A huge python. It looks like he tried to put the squeeze on that baby water buffalo...Actually, he's very affectionate, and if we get much closer, he could get a crush on you!

And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle's most fascinating and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that totally get wrapped up in the subject!

Over here we have a rare species of vegetarian python. You can tell since he has a stranglehold on that tree.

[To the cadence of the kids poem "Monty and Elmyra, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G"]
Lookie at the Python, sitting in the tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Hey folks, what sound does a snake make? [people respond by hissing] Oh common, the jokes aren't that bad.

Hey folks, you know that most snakes hiss. Well, here on the world famous jungle cruise we have the only snake that grunts. Listen... [Water Buffalo makes grunting sounds]...see?

Trader Sam

And here we have Sam the trader. Sam is the head salesman in these parts. This will probably make you wonder "Why can't he get a decent dental plan?" Well, business has been shrinking lately. So, he has a special two for one offer. Two of his heads, for one of yours. Do we have any volunteers? You madame [points to a woman inthe boat], your hand was up. Are you ready to jump? We'll count to three. One...two...three. You didn't jump. Did you change your mind? [guest nods] Women always do.

There's old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam's offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!

There's old Trader Sam...Three explorers came through here last week and Sam invited them for dinner. When he told them what the menu was, they completely lost their heads.

Trader Sam was thrown out of college, ya, he was caught buttering up one of his professors, now he's a psychologist. You can tell who is clients are, he a shrink to the ones on the left and the ones on the right are his basket cases.

Sam had me over for dinner the other night. I enjoyed it and said to him "Your wife sure does make a good chili" He said "Yeah, but I'm sure going to miss her."

Sam had me over for dinner the other night; unfortunately I arrived late and all he gave me was the cold shoulder.

This is my good friend Sam, who runs the Cannibal Cafe. The last time I talked to Sam was at his cafe. I told that I didn't like his brother very much. He told me 'Next time, have the salad.'

Return to Civilization

I certainly enjoyed having you aboard the Jungle Cruise today, and I hope you all enjoyed being had.

And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey--the return to civilization! I certainly hope you've enjoyed our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still with you, you've missed a golden opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our "in-law" special...halfway for half fare, no questions asked.

And now, the most dangerous part of our journey--the return to civilization and those California freeways. Talk about a jungle!

And now the most dangerous part of our journey, the return to civilization. On the dock we have two disguised monkeys who have shaved their fur off and put on clothes to help assist you out of the boat. And for our volunteer, I present this special leaf [hands a leaf to the kid].

Now we are entering the most dangerous part of our journey - the trip home on the Santa Ana Freeway. Dangerous for you, that is, I'm here 'til midnight.

Make sure you have all personal belongings with you...cameras, purses, small children...anything left on board will be thrown screaming to the crocodiles.

Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Michael Jackson would say [In a feminine voice] "Thank You for riding and have a good day." And as Charley Brown's teacher would say [In the teachers weird voice] "Wa, wa-wa, wa wa wa,..." And now as Millie Vinille would say [mouths the words] "Thank You for riding and have a good day."

Please keep your hands inside the boat, I sure don't want my new dock ruined.

Now comes the most perilous part of the trip, our return to civilization and my attempt to ram the dock.

There are two docks at the end of the ride. Don't get confused. It is a paradox. [pair of docks] And those two guys are a pair o dorks.

It's very important that you wait to get off the boat until one of our dock crew is there to assist you. Just yesterday we had a lady fall in and none of them were around to laugh at her.

If you had a good time on this ride, my name is name and this is the Jungle Cruise. If you didn't have a good time, my name is some other name and this is Storybookland/the Submarine Voyage/the Keel Boats.

If you had a good time on the Jungle Cruise, well then my name is name. If you didn't, then my name is John. [cast member, John appears on the unload dock] Oh, hi John. How's it going?

Enjoy your day at the 2nd most happiest place on earth.
What's the happiest?
The employee parking lot 15 minutes after close.

Well, it's the end of the ride and now we return you to this magical, mystical place I like to call...in sick as much as possible.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day at the largest human trap ever built by a mouse.

[When the fireworks were about to start] Be sure to watch two big burly guys throw Tinkerbell from the top of the Matterhorn

Upon leaving the boat

Ladies and gentleman, you were outstanding on the boat today, but now I need you out standing on the dock now.

Now, as you're leaving the boat, if you find your shoes rapidly filling with water, you've gotten out on the wrong side!

As you exit the boat, please watch your step and mind your head. If you miss your step and hit your head, watch your language, Disneyland is a family place.

Helping you out will be the Lee brothers, Ug-lee and Home-lee.

Oh look, here's Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dumber.

Ok everyone rise like bread. Don't loaf around. I know this job isn't much, but it's the yeast I can do for the dough I make. I guess I'm really on a roll here.

Don't step on anyone's feet, you'll feel like a heel, and we'll have to call a toe truck. Then you'd have to foot the bill.

Please make sure you have all your children with you. We take children left behind over to It's a Small World, nail/bolt/superglue their feet to the floor and force them to sing that song over and over and over and...

Folks, as we near the dock, all the people waiting to help you out give you an idea of how many people actually work at Disneyland... about one out of three.

Please exit the boat the same way you entered...pushing and shoving.

Two of the world's largest pygmies will assist you from the boat. Please take your kids by the hand and watch your step.

OK, everybody stand up please. Those of you on the dock side will be helped out by the front, those of you on the water side should turn around and you'll be helped out by the rear...of the boat that is.

When I count to three, everybody stand...the last one standing is a baby hippo. Ready? One...two...four! Look at all the baby hippos!

Do stand up...off your seats, on your feets.

All right...if you don't stand, you'll have to go again! I knew that would get you up.

Look down and watch your step as you exit. If you feel faint, don't hesitate to throw your arms around the necks of the unloaders... that's ladies only, please!

Don't fall in the water as you leave...we'll have to charge you extra.

Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time--I'm going to go again! [low voice]...and again, and again, and again...

Bye now! Come back and see me again when you have the courage...and enjoy the rest of your stay in the Magic Kingdom.

Aren't you going to say good-bye, after all we've been through together?

Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle Cruise...it helps keeps the lines down.

Please don't go out the window--you'll get a window pane.

Watch your step, and please don't step on small children indiscriminately. Pick the one you want and make sure you get him!"

Of all the groups I've taken on this ride, you're the most...recent.

We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and enchanting land that we call...work.

If you would like to see me on the David Letterman Show next month... please write him a letter and tell him you would like to see me there!

And, as you leave the parking lot tonight, be sure to enjoy Disney's newest parade -- "Tail-light Magic". The best part of this parade? You supply the music!

And, after searching for your car in our beautiful 100 acre parking lot, be sure to watch the "Tail-light electrical parade" (or "The West Street Electrical Parade") With thousands of sparkling lights twinkling into the distance. And the best part of the parade? You get to be a part of it!

Other jokes

Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. My boss almost beat the pulp out of me. They really put the squeeze to me, too.

I used to work in a watch factory. I sat around making faces all day.

Here, take some advice. NEVER play leapfrog with an Unicorn!
[Rebecca]

Running gags

All of these must be done in sequence

Simba

1. [Lion's Den at night]
   [Skipper points the light at the baby lion] Awww, look...it's SIMBA!!!!

2. [Native Village]
   [Skipper points light at the dead lion hanging upside-down over the fire pit] Look, it's Simba again!!!!

Girlfriend

1. [at the tiger]
   You know, a tiger can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that amazing!

2. [at the water buffalo]
   And you know, a water buffalo can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that amazing!

3. [at the zebras]
   Hey, guess what, did you know that a zebra can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet? Isn't that amazing!!

4. [at the snake]
   And by the way, a snake can weigh up to 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that AMAZING!!

5. [boat pulls up to the dock]
   Leonard's going to help you folks out of the boat, now. By the way, Leonard, I hear you have a new girlfriend, and she weighs over 500 pounds and can leap up to 20 feet! ISN'T THAT AMAZING!!!

   [Leonard]: "Yeah. So?"

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